August 21, 2010

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I want to think a bit more about the myriad of feelings we may have as adults when we are raising children, especially when they are still young.

Becoming a parent is a completely new phase in our life and we experience feelings or a depth to 'old' feelings we didn't even know we were capable of, but we all set out wanting to do a good job with this 'parenting' business.
What we often don't take into account is, that this is a new 'job'  we actually do not have much or any experience with,  there's no mandatory course on the topic, in fact, one is being thrown into the deep end and has to get a grip on it as one goes along....

What's so different when facing something new?
We usually start applying strategies we are familiar with, no matter how vaguely remembered. 
Secondly, everyone, age makes no difference, who is in the process of learning something new, is acutely aware of criticism. Because there is such a desire to do well, accompanied by lack of knowledge and experience, we tend to feel a tat jittery. When a learner is in this (again, age makes no difference and neither does it matter what is to be learned) s/he is in great need of positive feedback, i.e. what is it that you did well?

Young children are often told that they are "a good girl" or a "bad girl", a "good boy" or a "bad boy", depending on what has happened. More often than not what has happened is something they had not planned, over which they may not have had any control or for which they were too young to realize the consequences, for example taking a carton of milk out of the fridge, mis-judging its weight and spilling it all over the floor. The angry adult may shout that he is "naughty" and a "bad boy".  The child will have set out wishing to pour himself a drink the way he sees others do. His in-experience and lack of anticipation of weight and lack of skill in pouring caused the spill. He may well feel startled and now has to add to this feeling the wrath of the adult who tells him that he is "naughty" and "bad", but...at this point he may not be sure what
exactly was naughty and bad, for all he wanted was the same he sees other big people do.

The adult's anger has in fact nothing to do with the child, but stems from the realization that such a spill needs to be cleaned up, it's unwanted extra work. At the same time the adult may well remember being yelled at himself for doing something similar ....

The importance is to consciously remember the above, take a deep breath and just look at the situation at hand.
Firstly, a spill is not the end of the world.
Secondly, most of what little children do can be cleaned up with water and an old rag.
Thirdly, consider it a learning opportunity for both you and your child. An opportunity for you to put your own stuff on hold and consider the child. An opportunity to show your child how to clean up a spill and where the tools are kept to do so. And in the big scheme of things the Universe is thanking you for your patience with a little child....

An opportunity for the child to watch mum or dad getting a grip on themselves, to watch how to clean up a spill and to feel good when he is allowed to participate in getting a job done, because of course he's permitted to help (Very important when you're only three!).

End result, most likely, you both feel good and can't help but smile at each other.  Dads probably crack  jokes, because that's what dads often do, they can't help themselves!

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