May 25, 2010
EACH CHILD OFFERS US AN OPPORTUNITY TO NURTURE THE CHILD IN OURSELVES.
Children behave in ways that are still 'raw'. A young child who has mastered his first language will say things that may cause adults to cry, laugh or cringe. Lacking sophistication and control, a child will react to any given situation according to feelings that involuntarily rise up to the surface.
A child's behaviour verbally or otherwise may trigger feelings of amusement, annoyance, shame or embarassment, with the latter resulting in an angry reaction by the adult.
Amusement feels light, airy, bubbly.
Annoyance makes one frown one's eyebrows, squint eyes a bit and causes a stiffening of the neck. One may well be tempted to say to the child:
"You know what, you are a pain in the neck!"
My advice is, don't. Don't say anything just yet. Inhibit this impulse. Notice you own physical reaction first, because by doing so you acknowledge what is happening to you. That is your mental first aid recognition of 'Danger'. Then reassure yourself (First aid 'Response'):
"Ah! I didn't like this. OK, I deal with this later. Let's just look what the here-and-now reality is..." and then pay atention to the actual situation. You may find that it's not a drama or tragedy and that there is an easy solution, especially with little children, because most 'misdemeanors' of a little child are spills, dropping of stuff, accidently breaking something and the child is likely to be more startled than you are.
First aid in these situations is:
Say the obvious, as in: "I see, you poured too much and it spilled over the top. Let me show you...." and proceed to show your child how one cleans up a spill and where the cleaning items are kept. It is important to put into words what happened, for it neutralizes the situation, it is easier to get a grip on it and a solution will almost automatically 'pop up'. When finished, look at each other and smile: "We did a good job, didn't we?"
You have turned a potentially 'dangerous' moment into a moment of connection.
You may be quite surprised by your child's response, but one thing I can say with certainty; you both will come out of this feeling light and airy and bubbly!
To be continued....
A child's behaviour verbally or otherwise may trigger feelings of amusement, annoyance, shame or embarassment, with the latter resulting in an angry reaction by the adult.
- Amusement may come from the fact that a child either doesn't know the full meaning of a word or applies a word in the wrong context or a word applied to the adult world is just very funny. Often it was not the child's intention to be funny and the response of the adult is mingled with feelings of tenderness towards the child.
- Annoyance as a reaction to a child's way of behaving may still relate directly to the situation at hand and one doesn't have to be a parent to feel annoyed.
- Shame or embarrassment relates more to confusion of contradictary feelings experienced simultaneously by the adult. In such a situation the adult is simulataneously aware of a) what others might think, b) having certain expectations and believing to be falling short, c) fear of consequent exclusion of the group and subsequent d) anger with the child, because his/her behaviour or words exposed the 'flaw'. The worst thing for most social creatures is to be ostracized, even more so for a parent who consciously or subconsciously relies on social networks.
Amusement feels light, airy, bubbly.
Annoyance makes one frown one's eyebrows, squint eyes a bit and causes a stiffening of the neck. One may well be tempted to say to the child:
"You know what, you are a pain in the neck!"
My advice is, don't. Don't say anything just yet. Inhibit this impulse. Notice you own physical reaction first, because by doing so you acknowledge what is happening to you. That is your mental first aid recognition of 'Danger'. Then reassure yourself (First aid 'Response'):
"Ah! I didn't like this. OK, I deal with this later. Let's just look what the here-and-now reality is..." and then pay atention to the actual situation. You may find that it's not a drama or tragedy and that there is an easy solution, especially with little children, because most 'misdemeanors' of a little child are spills, dropping of stuff, accidently breaking something and the child is likely to be more startled than you are.
First aid in these situations is:
Say the obvious, as in: "I see, you poured too much and it spilled over the top. Let me show you...." and proceed to show your child how one cleans up a spill and where the cleaning items are kept. It is important to put into words what happened, for it neutralizes the situation, it is easier to get a grip on it and a solution will almost automatically 'pop up'. When finished, look at each other and smile: "We did a good job, didn't we?"
You have turned a potentially 'dangerous' moment into a moment of connection.
You may be quite surprised by your child's response, but one thing I can say with certainty; you both will come out of this feeling light and airy and bubbly!
To be continued....
May 20, 2010
A BIG PICTURE THOUGHT....
I was sitting on my back porch, watching the sun go down behind the hills, while looking through the cabbage palms with their prehistoric profiles when suddenly I had this thought that "my life has never been dead since the birth of this earth!"
Somehow life sprung up on this clod of dirt, which at a certain point was also passed on in the shape of human beings. Egg and sperm, ever so small, had to be carried by live beings and was passed on while they were still alive. So in fact, that speck-of-life life never died, it always got passed on as the stick in a relay and that life got enriched by experience all along the way. (Nowadays we may 'put life on hold' in liquid nitrogen, but who knows what the consequences of that will be).
I suddenly had this vision of a thread without a beginning, at least not that I could see, but of which I was the end. My specific little speck-of-life must have been the same since the beginning of time except that it got more concentrated perhaps, like a consomme (concentrated clear broth). The value I added to it must have been a combination of what I learned from my parents, through education and how I experienced life.
But the important ingredient for humans surely, must be the degree of awareness a person brings into the broth before it is passed on. Does that make sense to you?
I think that it is awareness, this individual consiousness that is the x-factor that contributes to the collective consciousness. I passed on that speck-of-life to my children. They, in their turn, must now bring their consciousness into it...
Once children are independent beings one's life gets a different meaning and focus. The emphasis is no longer on improving that particular speck-of-life, but on playing a role in influencing the milieu, the environment, physical and otherwise, for the good of all.
In other words, I have changed from being the plant in a garden to becoming the gardener (use the imagination here!).
I no longer make life (or rather, pass it on), but can maintain and improve the environment in which all plants can thrive....
And that is why people who choose not to have children, are not necessarily let off the hook in regard to their responsibility to society at large. But, that is going to be a topic for next time.
Somehow life sprung up on this clod of dirt, which at a certain point was also passed on in the shape of human beings. Egg and sperm, ever so small, had to be carried by live beings and was passed on while they were still alive. So in fact, that speck-of-life life never died, it always got passed on as the stick in a relay and that life got enriched by experience all along the way. (Nowadays we may 'put life on hold' in liquid nitrogen, but who knows what the consequences of that will be).
I suddenly had this vision of a thread without a beginning, at least not that I could see, but of which I was the end. My specific little speck-of-life must have been the same since the beginning of time except that it got more concentrated perhaps, like a consomme (concentrated clear broth). The value I added to it must have been a combination of what I learned from my parents, through education and how I experienced life.
But the important ingredient for humans surely, must be the degree of awareness a person brings into the broth before it is passed on. Does that make sense to you?
I think that it is awareness, this individual consiousness that is the x-factor that contributes to the collective consciousness. I passed on that speck-of-life to my children. They, in their turn, must now bring their consciousness into it...
Once children are independent beings one's life gets a different meaning and focus. The emphasis is no longer on improving that particular speck-of-life, but on playing a role in influencing the milieu, the environment, physical and otherwise, for the good of all.
In other words, I have changed from being the plant in a garden to becoming the gardener (use the imagination here!).
I no longer make life (or rather, pass it on), but can maintain and improve the environment in which all plants can thrive....
And that is why people who choose not to have children, are not necessarily let off the hook in regard to their responsibility to society at large. But, that is going to be a topic for next time.
May 16, 2010
ABOUT YOUNG CHILDREN AND SPOTLESS HOUSES!
I have noticed, indeed, I used to do so myself, that mothers of young children often apologize for something not being 'clean', e.g. their house, the car, the children....
Let's put this 'cleanliness' concept in perspective:
Is it important that we keep a spotless environment where visitors can eat off the floor? Do we want to teach our children, through our actions, that "keeping a spotless house is important and people should eat off floors"?
Chances are that the children are unable to keep our imaginary standard of cleanliness and by the time they are adults they have heard a million times how untidy and unclean they are!
Cleanliness and tidiness are never important for their own sake, don't get stressed over it.
We apply rules of hygiene, e.g.washing of hands, in order to prevent infections. However, toddlers have been known to pick things up off the floor and stick it in their mouth, but they have not keeled over and died. So a bit of 'un-hygiene' doesn't seem to do much harm.
Tidiness is not hygiene. It's often used as a social concept and 'measurement' by which people judge each other.
Don't take what other people say as gospel and you have no problem. Did you know that our brain doesn't even work in a 'tidy' manner? It is all over the place and no two brains are the same, in fact when neurons all fire at the same time in the same rhythm you have a seizure.
Tidiness in our environment however, can have a purpose and be applied to one's advantage. How?
The brain does respond well to order. Therefore, routine (which relates to behaviour) and order (which relates to things) help the child in the same way landmarks help an adult to navigate his or her way through a landscape. Every family has their own way of doing this. Routine and order enhance predictability which in turn helps a child to feel safe, because he knows what is going to happen next.
It's as simple as that.
For that reason it's a good thing to set certain habits, e.g. reading a bed time story. Predictability of actions keeps the anxiety level low and everyone relaxed. To show a child how to tidy up has a similar effect. It is also an in-between-the-lines learning strategy:
But, the most important thing you can do, something that needs no degree, no exercise in the gym, no anything, is to sit and talk or laugh and joke with your child or simply gaze at your child with adoring eyes when she's playing while you drink that cup of tea....the magic happens when your child looks up and catches your gaze......
It is this emotional connection that makes every little child feel that all is well with the whole world and being alive is great! Something jells in the heart and psyche, something to do with that sense of Self when one is seen, noticed by another person (especially your parent when you are little), who wants nothing from you but is so obviously happy you are here.....
Let's put this 'cleanliness' concept in perspective:
Is it important that we keep a spotless environment where visitors can eat off the floor? Do we want to teach our children, through our actions, that "keeping a spotless house is important and people should eat off floors"?
Chances are that the children are unable to keep our imaginary standard of cleanliness and by the time they are adults they have heard a million times how untidy and unclean they are!
Cleanliness and tidiness are never important for their own sake, don't get stressed over it.
We apply rules of hygiene, e.g.washing of hands, in order to prevent infections. However, toddlers have been known to pick things up off the floor and stick it in their mouth, but they have not keeled over and died. So a bit of 'un-hygiene' doesn't seem to do much harm.
Tidiness is not hygiene. It's often used as a social concept and 'measurement' by which people judge each other.
Don't take what other people say as gospel and you have no problem. Did you know that our brain doesn't even work in a 'tidy' manner? It is all over the place and no two brains are the same, in fact when neurons all fire at the same time in the same rhythm you have a seizure.
Tidiness in our environment however, can have a purpose and be applied to one's advantage. How?
The brain does respond well to order. Therefore, routine (which relates to behaviour) and order (which relates to things) help the child in the same way landmarks help an adult to navigate his or her way through a landscape. Every family has their own way of doing this. Routine and order enhance predictability which in turn helps a child to feel safe, because he knows what is going to happen next.
It's as simple as that.
For that reason it's a good thing to set certain habits, e.g. reading a bed time story. Predictability of actions keeps the anxiety level low and everyone relaxed. To show a child how to tidy up has a similar effect. It is also an in-between-the-lines learning strategy:
- it helps a child to look at the world with intelligence, e.g. the Lego blocks go with the Lego blocks, the farm animals go with the farm animals, the shoes with the shoes...in other words, the child learns vocabulary and to categorize (which makes for more efficient thinking) while tidying up.
- to show a child that things have a place, e.g. in kitchens utensils have a place. This creates a more efficient work environment. Imagine how annoying it would be if we continuously have to look for things!
- to help set stable behaviour patterns, for an emotionally secure child can handle periods of chaos and return to equilibrium much better than one who grows up living on the edge of unpredictability and insecurity and with a lack of vocabulary to name what he senses and feels.
But, the most important thing you can do, something that needs no degree, no exercise in the gym, no anything, is to sit and talk or laugh and joke with your child or simply gaze at your child with adoring eyes when she's playing while you drink that cup of tea....the magic happens when your child looks up and catches your gaze......
It is this emotional connection that makes every little child feel that all is well with the whole world and being alive is great! Something jells in the heart and psyche, something to do with that sense of Self when one is seen, noticed by another person (especially your parent when you are little), who wants nothing from you but is so obviously happy you are here.....
May 9, 2010
PARENTING ISN'T REALLY ABOUT THE CHILD, IT IS ABOUT US...
What do I mean ?
Up to the age of about 24 we somehow think that adulthood is something to be reached and we have to achieve something to get there. Society encourages us to think like that: When you are five...When you are 12.....When you finish High School...When you have your degree, then....
In the meantime the word "if" slips in: If you have those shoes, then you'll be really happy. If you have your diploma, then you are a real adult. If you are married you can be really happy....
And we do all that, we try to reach those goals, because basically we are a very obedient species for if we weren't, we wouldn't seriously consider, let alone partake in war as a viable solution to problem solving, would we?
Anyway, one day, after 'an-encounter-of-the-first-kind' we find ourselves to be a parent....aaaaahhh.....and everything gets turned upside down!
Career strategies don't seem to work when applied to new borns and the very young... and partners, well, it turns out that they can't be treated the same as employees unfortunately. Everything is messy. And I think this is great !
Now we begin to discover that life is like a compost heap: there's a bucket full of 'scraps' every day to be thrown on top, every so often we turn the pile over and in between we wait patiently while nature does what nature does. And then, eh presto! after a while the end product is beautiful sweet smelling soil .....the life we live is like that and we are like that soil, growing wiser and hopefully better people for the experience....Meanwhile children remind us of how it all started, what the basics are...
In terms of human psychology, we learn to accept, deal with, process, digest all the 'stuff' that is put on our plate every day or we don't. If we don't, we will get swamped by it. It's just not easy being an adult and there aren't always quick solutions to problems, while in the eyes of our (little) children we must appear like gods or magicians, all powerful; funny, isn't it?
When you get stuck and wonder what on earth to do next, tell anyone who wants something from you to "just wait, at least until I have finished my cuppa", put up your feet and drink that cup of tea s-l-o-w-l-y......
Up to the age of about 24 we somehow think that adulthood is something to be reached and we have to achieve something to get there. Society encourages us to think like that: When you are five...When you are 12.....When you finish High School...When you have your degree, then....
In the meantime the word "if" slips in: If you have those shoes, then you'll be really happy. If you have your diploma, then you are a real adult. If you are married you can be really happy....
And we do all that, we try to reach those goals, because basically we are a very obedient species for if we weren't, we wouldn't seriously consider, let alone partake in war as a viable solution to problem solving, would we?
Anyway, one day, after 'an-encounter-of-the-first-kind' we find ourselves to be a parent....aaaaahhh.....and everything gets turned upside down!
Career strategies don't seem to work when applied to new borns and the very young... and partners, well, it turns out that they can't be treated the same as employees unfortunately. Everything is messy. And I think this is great !
Now we begin to discover that life is like a compost heap: there's a bucket full of 'scraps' every day to be thrown on top, every so often we turn the pile over and in between we wait patiently while nature does what nature does. And then, eh presto! after a while the end product is beautiful sweet smelling soil .....the life we live is like that and we are like that soil, growing wiser and hopefully better people for the experience....Meanwhile children remind us of how it all started, what the basics are...
In terms of human psychology, we learn to accept, deal with, process, digest all the 'stuff' that is put on our plate every day or we don't. If we don't, we will get swamped by it. It's just not easy being an adult and there aren't always quick solutions to problems, while in the eyes of our (little) children we must appear like gods or magicians, all powerful; funny, isn't it?
When you get stuck and wonder what on earth to do next, tell anyone who wants something from you to "just wait, at least until I have finished my cuppa", put up your feet and drink that cup of tea s-l-o-w-l-y......
May 4, 2010
THOUGHTS OF TODAY...
When you are small you may feel scared who on earth will look after you when your mum and dad die, who will sew your clothes or feed you....When you are seven or eight years old you're too busy with life at school to worry about that.
When you're approaching puberty you can feel changes taking place in regard to your body, but you don't dare to tell anyone, until one day they are too obvious to ignore and steps have to be taken to accommodate these changes. (More dramatic, physically, for a girl than a boy I think). You have emotions you don't recognize and for which you can't find any reason...
Once in Highschool study and social life seem to occupy one's mind until suddenly it seems all over. You now have the choice to go to Uni, defer, not go to Uni but start looking for a job, enrol for adult education or find work so you can pay for the first big trip overseas on your own....
For some, life becomes filled with desires, anguish and experiences to find the right person who one wishes to form a relationship with. Others, simultaneously or sometimes instead of a relationship, work on a career path. Whichever way, sooner or later most girls will feel an urge to have a child. This urge is either acted upon or put off. It seems that life cannot be fully lived until this urge is fulfilled. This is the moment of being thrown into that deep end with a splash, for no matter how much you read and learn about babyhood and parenting beforehand, it is still a mystery and a surprise when it happens!
I am glad that in our day and age there is no longer a stigma attached to young women having babies without being married, because, as I see it, every baby is a gift and if we receive new life in that spirit, the world will be a better place for it.
When you're approaching puberty you can feel changes taking place in regard to your body, but you don't dare to tell anyone, until one day they are too obvious to ignore and steps have to be taken to accommodate these changes. (More dramatic, physically, for a girl than a boy I think). You have emotions you don't recognize and for which you can't find any reason...
Once in Highschool study and social life seem to occupy one's mind until suddenly it seems all over. You now have the choice to go to Uni, defer, not go to Uni but start looking for a job, enrol for adult education or find work so you can pay for the first big trip overseas on your own....
For some, life becomes filled with desires, anguish and experiences to find the right person who one wishes to form a relationship with. Others, simultaneously or sometimes instead of a relationship, work on a career path. Whichever way, sooner or later most girls will feel an urge to have a child. This urge is either acted upon or put off. It seems that life cannot be fully lived until this urge is fulfilled. This is the moment of being thrown into that deep end with a splash, for no matter how much you read and learn about babyhood and parenting beforehand, it is still a mystery and a surprise when it happens!
I am glad that in our day and age there is no longer a stigma attached to young women having babies without being married, because, as I see it, every baby is a gift and if we receive new life in that spirit, the world will be a better place for it.
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