August 21, 2010

At long last, back again!
I wish to continue the theme I had started with, so here is the next point:

Annoyance.
When a child under Three does something that is annoying, say so. Say: "No" to a 12 month old and "I don't like you banging that table" to the 30 month old,  then gently take the banging instrument(s) out of the child's hands and replace it with something that you can tolerate, saying: "There you are, try this...." and keep that other thing out of sight.
It is completely legimitate to stop a child from doing what you don't like and it's not necessary to yell, shout or scream about this. Taking into account the age and immaturity of the child it can be done gently yet effectively.

For the very young, out-of-sight is out-of-mind and replacing one item with another is often sufficient. With a somewhat older child, 3 to 6 years, I suggest the following:
get the child's attention, ask to have the item put into your hand, and say "Thank you" when he does. Immediately  turn the attention to something else the child can play with  while removing the undesirable item(s) in an unobtrusive way.
With a close-to-4 year old and up, one can begin to explain why a particular action is not permitted, i.e. throwing balls inside is a no-no but outside is OK,  give an option of what is allowed and where it is allowed.

Assume a child's reaction is 'chucking a tantrum'.
Since you're not harming the child he is free to do so. After all, the brain is not yet finished, reasoning powers are not yet in place and 'self talk' that prohibits unrestrained behaviour is still in the procss of being mastered..
Simply allow the child to experience feeling absolutely angry, but don't buy into it.
Carry on with what you're doing and/or calmly sit down and think out loud:

"Hmm, I can see that it makes you angry...I can remember that my mum didn't let me have...." and try to tell a story in an animated manner even if initially he doesn't appear to be listening. Or start an activity that your child is usually interested and make it your play, ignoring him. You may find that he'll want to participate, at which point you can say, e.g :
"OK, but we have to take turns. I put two pieces in this puzzle and then it's your turn to put two pieces in".
Boys in particular respond very well to structure, to knowing who is charge without being made to feel bad about themselves.

Raising children is like gardening: weeds will grow if you don't plant what you like to grow. Nature abhors a vacuum, and nature will grow what the soils will allow it to grow.  As parents we have to prepare the soil,( child), for what we want him to make his own.
In regard to child rearing this means, prepare the young child to become used to being treated well and with respect, just as you would prepare the soil according to what you wish to plant. Different plants have different requirements, and experienced gardeners will take this into account.
Different human dispositions have different requirements (hence the importance of observing children at play!) and wise parents will  try to find creative solutions to accommodate their children individuality without watering down the principles that make for a more cooperative living situation. And the family is the world as a microcosm.

Finally, respond to children with the same attention and consideration you'd give an adult friend and you may find yourself quite  pleasantly surprised, even with the very young....

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