May 25, 2010

EACH CHILD OFFERS US AN OPPORTUNITY TO NURTURE THE CHILD IN OURSELVES.

Children behave in ways that are still 'raw'. A young child who has mastered his first language will say things that may cause adults to cry, laugh or cringe.  Lacking sophistication and control, a child will react to any given situation according to feelings that involuntarily rise up to the surface.

A child's behaviour verbally or otherwise may trigger feelings of amusement, annoyance, shame or embarassment, with the latter resulting in an angry reaction by the adult.
  • Amusement may come from the fact that a child either doesn't know the full meaning of a word or applies a word in the wrong context or a word applied to the adult world is just very funny. Often it was not the child's intention to be funny and the response of the adult is mingled with feelings of tenderness towards the child.
  • Annoyance as a reaction to a child's way of behaving may still relate directly to the situation at hand and one doesn't have to be a parent to feel annoyed.
  • Shame or embarrassment relates more to confusion of contradictary feelings experienced simultaneously by the adult. In such a situation the adult is simulataneously aware of a) what others might think, b) having certain expectations  and believing to be falling short, c) fear of consequent exclusion of the group and subsequent d) anger  with the child, because his/her behaviour or words exposed the 'flaw'. The worst thing for most social creatures is to be ostracized, even more so for a parent who consciously or subconsciously relies on social networks.
Let's stop for a moment and become aware of what this involves....

Amusement feels light, airy, bubbly.

Annoyance makes one frown one's eyebrows, squint eyes a bit and causes a stiffening of the neck. One may well be tempted to say to the child:
"You know what, you are a pain in the neck!"
My advice is, don't. Don't say anything just yet. Inhibit this impulse. Notice you own physical reaction first, because by doing so you acknowledge what is happening to you. That is your mental first aid recognition of 'Danger'. Then reassure yourself (First aid 'Response'):
"Ah! I didn't like this. OK, I deal with this later. Let's just look what the here-and-now reality is..." and then pay atention to the actual situation. You may find that it's not a drama or tragedy and that there is an easy solution, especially with little children, because most 'misdemeanors' of a little child are spills, dropping of stuff, accidently breaking something and the child is likely to be more startled than you are.

First aid in these situations is:
Say the obvious, as in: "I see, you poured too much and it spilled over the top. Let me show you...." and proceed to show your child how one cleans up a spill and where the cleaning items are kept. It is important to put into words what happened, for it neutralizes the situation, it is easier to get a grip on it and a solution will almost automatically 'pop up'. When finished, look at each other and smile: "We did a good job, didn't we?"
You have turned a potentially 'dangerous' moment into a moment of connection.
You may be quite surprised by your child's response, but one thing I can say with certainty; you both will come out of this feeling light and airy and bubbly!

To be continued....

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